I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
