There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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