I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i came on her dog
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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