i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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