Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
