Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
