do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
