I think im going to throw up on grandma
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
