i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
