Soap is not a condiment
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
