cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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