JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
