Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
