I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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