i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
