Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
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I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
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is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize