i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
