sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
