i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
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I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
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On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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