he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
