For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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