my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
