just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
