Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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