You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
