He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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