Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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