Even the bartender felt bad for me
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
