i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The air was thick with penises
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
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