My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Randomize
