I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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