I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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