Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
