I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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