Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
