True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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