There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
