Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
