you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
