Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
