dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
