her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
