i think my tv is drunk
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
