i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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