I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize