why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
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No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
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I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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