Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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