I can text with my tongue
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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