So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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