I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
