Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
