i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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