she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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