he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
