im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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